“And now, a letter home to my parents.

[INTRO MUSIC]

(The following is sung to the tune of "Hello Mudda, Hello Faddah")

Hello Anne and hello Larry,
Here I am in Agua Dulce.
Town is neat and food is filling,
But the heat is on the verge of hiker-killing.

You've seen pictures of the Saufleys,
They keep hikers on their property
In a guest house, tents and RVs,
There were 60 there last week. Now that's a party!

There are things I've heard since stopping,
Hikers from the trail are dropping.
You remember poor No Way Ray?
The memorial will be two weeks after Monday.

Now I don't want this should freak youse,
Ladybird got bit by a recluse.
Pinhead's shin splints still aren't healing,
And believe me, I have felt that broken feeling!

Let me stay,
Oh Jeff and Donna,
Let me stay,
'Cause I don't wanna
Go out to the scary desert
Where I might get heat stroke and fall down.
Let me stay,
I promise I will pat the dogs,
And smell nice in my clean new togs
Oh please let me sleep in,
I need to zero again!

Darling Mudder, Dearest Fadder,
The Mojave's growing hotter
And the Saufleys' is so shady
There are so many excuses to keep waiting.

Wait a minute, clouds just blew in,
Cooler weather might be brewin'
I can't stop or I'll be bailin'
So Mudder, Fadder, kindly disregard this mailin'!

(DUM dum dum dum-dum-dum dum DA DA dum plink plink!)”