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September 2nd, 2007
12:01 pm
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Dribs and droplets
In lieu of a dozen important things I'd like to write, I'd like to at least take a few seconds to clear some improperly ordered thoughts out of my brain:

3) I was with my family in Maine this week, and at one point my father was discussing some properties along the street we were driving. Except instead of "rental cottage" he used the words "rental college." I know this was just a malapropism but kadyg and I immediately agreed that it was the COOLEST THING EVER. It would be awesome to be able to rent a college out for a semester or two, teach your own classes, and hand out University of Your-Name-Here degrees.

0) The programmers in the audience should appreciate this one. I did a search through my music library today on the word "true" to find a particular song I wanted to move between playlists; it turned up three results. Something deep in my brain clicked, and I paused, went back to the search box, and looked up "false." Happily, it did in fact return 0.

2) Kady and I held a conversation in the car about parking deities, and we discovered that we have some religious incompatibilities to work through: She calls upon Squat (Goddess* of the Parking Lot) for her vehicular needs, whereas my parking pleas go to Hank (God of Parking).

This led to a discussion of the relative merits of said parking gods, and since discussions of relative efficiency et. al. would have been merely anecdotal and not at all objective, we found a wonderful metric with which to compare the utility of our respective deities: How well their names fit into impromptu parking cheers.

I am sad to report that Squat is the clear winner in this regard. It was easy to come up with the following riff:

Squat! Squat! You're so hot!
Help me now to find a spot!
Can you call her? You may not!
For she's MY goddess of the lot!*

Whereas in order to beseech Hank in similar meter I had to not only take a more aggressive tone but also murder the ghost of grammar:

Hank! Hank! I'm getting crank-
y! Help me out, that last spot stank!
I need to park right near the bank
So find a spot to get my thanks!

I guess at least I can take comfort in the fact we're still both doing better than the Christians with parking needs:

Jesus! Jesus! Do not tease us!
We need a parking spot to please us!
(Cheer ends early due to further rhymes being total travesties of English)

--
* Edited to fix gender. See comments.

Current Location: ~/laptop
Current Mood: okayokay
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(12 comments | Leave a comment)

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From:arethinn
Date:September 2nd, 2007 10:32 pm (UTC)
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Hail Asphalta, full of grace
Help me find a parking place!
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From:taral
Date:September 3rd, 2007 08:25 pm (UTC)
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That's the one. :D
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From:baxil
Date:September 4th, 2007 08:26 am (UTC)
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I've heard that one too, but only with the original "Mary" re-dubbed in -- which suggests that I'm not the only one recognizing the difficulty of trusting Jesus with your parking.
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From:kistaro
Date:September 2nd, 2007 11:54 pm (UTC)
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...I thought Squat was a goddess. To be specific, she's a 300 lb. Hawaiian woman who likes chocolate and really bad poetry dedicated to her. (She prefers a new, unique, invocation each time, and she is more likely to respond favorably proportionally to how much of a literary travesty it is- as long as it rhymes.)

At this point, Squat will go sit in your parking space, preventing anybody from perceiving it as unoccupied except you. The proper thing to do then is to leave an offering of chocolate near your car.

Failure to do that last step will usually result in squat sitting on your car.

I read somewhere that Squat is an alternate name for Asphalta, but I'm not sure which came first or if they are indeed the same.
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From:baxil
Date:September 4th, 2007 08:27 am (UTC)
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That's all news to me, and terribly fascinating. :D Thanks for the theology lesson!

(Original post corrected accordingly.)
From:premchai21
Date:September 3rd, 2007 06:45 am (UTC)
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Walking far, cold air will freeze us
Or we'll fall with pants and wheez-es!
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From:baxil
Date:September 4th, 2007 08:23 am (UTC)
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That's much better than my attempt, which if I recall correctly involved Rhesus monkeys and the possessive form of an English-speaking Central American country.
From:premchai21
Date:September 5th, 2007 12:24 am (UTC)
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*headspins a bit* o.O

Hmm. As for Hank, maybe if one were to work in a side prayer for invulnerability to people backing out without looking where they're going, or somesuch…

Hank! Hank! Make a tank
Of my car; this is no prank.
Find me a spot that I can gank
'Cause if you do, it's you I'll thank!

(Or is this stepping on your territory^Wcarport?)

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From:wy
Date:September 3rd, 2007 05:55 pm (UTC)
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MM.. can I subscribe to the unitarianist church of parking god(esses)?

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From:baxil
Date:September 4th, 2007 08:18 am (UTC)
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Sure! Unless you're an atheist. They have SPECIAL parking lots IN HELL* for THOSE folk.

--
* REALLY far away from the fire and brimstone. So they have to walk for DAYS before they can get to the screaming torment. So NYEAH!
From:lhexa
Date:September 3rd, 2007 11:53 pm (UTC)
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...COOLEST THING EVER...

Only if it's portable, too.
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From:baxil
Date:September 4th, 2007 06:38 am (UTC)
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