September 14th, 2008

generic lament

Video game poetry


(From "Old Hero's Book of Practical Guns," by T. R. Iggerman)

The Having of Guns* is a difficult issue,
For a hero in video games that are fun;
Many guns he must tote, lest he shoot and then miss you,
So I tell you, our man must have THREE DIFFERENT GUNS.
First of all, there's the gun that he shoots if he's near you,
like a flamethrower, shotgun, a D'eagle or Uzi,
If need be, a crowbar or chainsaw can smear you,
All deal death at close range; don't be choosy.
But I tell you, a man needs a gun in distinction not lacking,
A gun that shoots farther, and less broad and wide;
How else can he snipe from afar while wall-hacking?
Or clear out a level before stepping outside?
The guns of this nature will now be highlighted,
Such as his sniper rifles, or railguns, or AWPs,
Such as guns that shoot lasers, or by lasers are sighted --
All guns that at long range I promise are tops.
But above and beyond there's still one gun left over,
And that is the gun that no shooter omits;
The gun that makes game players sigh like a lover,
The gun that kills HALF OF THE MAP when it hits.
When you notice a gunhaver laugh with abandon
Then, no matter the game, you will know what he's done:
His mind is fixated on firing at random
With explosives, explosives, explosives so fun
   With unbeatable, l33table
Blow up the map-able

* If the "Gunhaver" reference for video game shooters hasn't crossed your path yet, then at least there's this for some context.