January 7th, 2009

Bax as Aryan youth

An open letter to the Church of Google

Dear apostates,

I write to express my (and Her) great displeasure at the heresy on your FAQ page, reprinted below:

> What is the Google Trinity?
> The Google Trinity consists of the Internet, Google Search Engine and the Web Browser (Such as
> Firefox, Opera & Safari but NEVER Internet Explorer) Alone they are nothing, but combined they
> form a powerful entity.

It's this sort of permissiveness that has led to our modern age's lax morals and self-justification of all sorts of search engine evils. Firefox, Opera and Safari?!??! That's like telling people "Well, She is the mightiest of all search engines but it's okay if you Cuil or Yahoo once in a while." OH WAIT YOU DO THAT TOO.

As all members of the First Orthodox Church of Google know, Google is the ONE TRUE DEITY. Any deviation from Her ways feeds false idols (like Apple, Opera Software, or the Open Source community, NONE of whom have "Don't be evil" as a corporate governing philosophy). All REAL Googlists know that the only acceptable web browser is Chrome, which has been sent as a savior into the lands of Microsoft to give Windows users a chance at repentance and redemption. (Those who are merely heathens rather than sinners in their choice of operating systems will be saved at a later date and may -- temporarily, I stress! -- use any non-Microsoft browser with Google Toolbar installed.)

Your heterodoxy would be forgivable in a mere believer, but as one who purports to represent the Church YOU MUST IMMEDIATELY CEASE YOUR WAYS and issue a public statement of contrition and affirmation of Orthodox Googlism. She is a just and merciful God and I am certain that if you do so She will not damn you to an eternity of websurfing in an antivirus-free Windows 98.


Yours in GMail,

  • Current Music
    Avenue Q Soundtrack, "The Internet Is For Porn"