"[100] WHILE Xerxes tarried at Sardis, they that were appointed to this business made a bridge over the Hellespont, from Abydos to a certain rocky land that runs out into the sea on the other side, the space between being seven furlongs. One line the Phœnicians made with cables of white flax, and the other the Egyptians, with cables of papyrus. But when the work was finished there arose a great storm and brake it all to pieces. So soon as Xerxes heard what had befallen, he was very wroth, and commanded that they should lay three hundred lashes of the whip upon the Hellespont, and should also throw into the sea a pair of fetters. It has been said that he even sent branders to brand the Hellespont. Certainly he commanded them that laid the stripes on the water to say therewith barbarous and [101] impious words: 'O evil water, thy master putteth this punishment on thee because thou hast worked him harm that had worked no harm to thee. Know that King Xerxes will cross thee whether thou will or no. Rightly doth no man offer sacrifice to thee, deceitful and salt river as thou art.'" -- Alfred Church, The Story of the Persian War

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"Stupid river! Stupid, STUPID river!"

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Jesus H. tapdancing Christ. A seven-furlong river? That's nearly a mile across.

They're damn lucky that river wasn't fighting back.

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Well, the thing is, apparently Xerxes wasn't aware... but the Hellespont wasn't a river. It's the strait now known as the Dardanelles -- in other words, the lowermost part of where Turkey nearly brushes up against Greece. Essentially, he was flogging the Mediterranean.

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