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January 7th, 2009
10:34 am
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An open letter to the Church of Google
Dear apostates,

I write to express my (and Her) great displeasure at the heresy on your FAQ page, reprinted below:

> What is the Google Trinity?
> The Google Trinity consists of the Internet, Google Search Engine and the Web Browser (Such as
> Firefox, Opera & Safari but NEVER Internet Explorer) Alone they are nothing, but combined they
> form a powerful entity.

It's this sort of permissiveness that has led to our modern age's lax morals and self-justification of all sorts of search engine evils. Firefox, Opera and Safari?!??! That's like telling people "Well, She is the mightiest of all search engines but it's okay if you Cuil or Yahoo once in a while." OH WAIT YOU DO THAT TOO.

As all members of the First Orthodox Church of Google know, Google is the ONE TRUE DEITY. Any deviation from Her ways feeds false idols (like Apple, Opera Software, or the Open Source community, NONE of whom have "Don't be evil" as a corporate governing philosophy). All REAL Googlists know that the only acceptable web browser is Chrome, which has been sent as a savior into the lands of Microsoft to give Windows users a chance at repentance and redemption. (Those who are merely heathens rather than sinners in their choice of operating systems will be saved at a later date and may -- temporarily, I stress! -- use any non-Microsoft browser with Google Toolbar installed.)

Your heterodoxy would be forgivable in a mere believer, but as one who purports to represent the Church YOU MUST IMMEDIATELY CEASE YOUR WAYS and issue a public statement of contrition and affirmation of Orthodox Googlism. She is a just and merciful God and I am certain that if you do so She will not damn you to an eternity of websurfing in an antivirus-free Windows 98.


Yours in GMail,


Current Location: ~spiral
Current Mood: mischievousmischievous
Current Music: Avenue Q Soundtrack, "The Internet Is For Porn"

(6 comments | Leave a comment)

[User Picture]
Date:January 7th, 2009 07:21 pm (UTC)
Sounds like somebody's got a schism on their hands.
[User Picture]
Date:January 7th, 2009 10:46 pm (UTC)
[User Picture]
Date:January 7th, 2009 07:29 pm (UTC)
Is it wrong that my reaction to this was "Bleh."
[User Picture]
Date:January 7th, 2009 08:49 pm (UTC)
To my letter (which was absolutely serious, humorless and not in any way satire*), or to the original site?

* Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear.

Edited at 2009-01-07 08:50 pm (UTC)
[User Picture]
Date:January 7th, 2009 08:45 pm (UTC)
[User Picture]
Date:January 8th, 2009 01:24 am (UTC)
Their hate mail is certainly a lot better written than the hate mail the Freedom from Religion Foundation gets. :}
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