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Gah, I wish the English language had a word for this. I feel like a… - Baxil [bakh-HEEL'], n. My Sites [Tomorrowlands] [The TTU Wiki] [Photos]
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October 8th, 2010
04:25 pm
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Gah, I wish the English language had a word for this.

I feel like a dog on a leash. There's an energy almost buzzing under my skin today. A restlessness, a need. It's like being horny, although it isn't a sexual urge.

I want to fuckin' create.

The immediate impulse is to blame it on one of my muses. But the muse is asleep, because I don't have any specific ideas to work on. Doot, not having any toys to play with, is sitting in a corner and staring into space. And Muse is silent, though that may or may not mean anything.*

This isn't a new feeling. In hindsight, since getting back from Mount Rainier I've had the jitters. And I've spent the time in overdrive. Look at Firefoxborn. Look at Egregore. And my Fireborn campaign is sprinting back into action, with the players ducking for cover against a hard and fast rain of plot twists.

By all accounts, last night's game was enjoyable, and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves - but I feel like I've failed, because I feel like it wasn't enough. This is patently ridiculous. I ran out the clock at 2 AM still raring to go, with players remarking that they were going to have to review their notes to make sure they had gotten all the implications of all the new information. (This tends to happen when you create stable time loops by passing messages back to your past selves. But over the course of the last two sessions, virtually every group with a hand in the plot has been scrambling for new positioning thanks to the PCs' assassination of a major villain. My game notes now start with virtually a full page of "Current NPC Status and Goals" before I even get into that session's potential events.) And aigh! IT'S NOT ENOUGH.

The worlds inside my head are seething.

I need more outlets.

* We have already established that Muse plays a very long game.

Current Location: ~spiral
Current Music: "Teleport," Man With No Name

(9 comments | Leave a comment)

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Date:October 9th, 2010 02:51 am (UTC)
You're clearly experiencing a Calling. (One thread really doesn't explain it, but: the angelic need to perform a certain action related to their subtype, which is never entirely sated and can build to insane, and insanity-inducing, levels of frustration. Tends to look something like this if it builds up.)

But yes, I'm experiencing that so very much these days, which is why I'm throwing myself hard into RP. I can only say that I sympathise with the need to scream it all out, to pour it all out, forever and ever and ever. I may have to borrow your description of it in future, if you don't mind: it's very apt.
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Date:October 9th, 2010 03:25 am (UTC)
Some months ago, I met with a friend of mine. As we talked and relaxed, I eventually noticed that her body was radiating extremely intense sexual energy, as in, the sort that causes hall closets at work to acquire webcams and nicknames. She had suffered a severe life-pain related to that, and had "shut it off".

But when you block a flow, it builds. And with the spirit, it keeps building. At some point, should the dam open up, it pours all the way out until the flow returns to something more reasonable for you.

I think that's what this is about. Something got jammed up and blocked it all, and then eventually the blockage has released. And all of a sudden, this intense need is pouring out until it's satisfied. It doesn't even have to be a complete blockage; it just has to restrict the flow sufficiently to build up.
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Date:October 9th, 2010 10:45 am (UTC)
"Baxil is taken by a fey mood!"
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Date:October 9th, 2010 12:08 pm (UTC)
First of all: I love the DF reference HAHA...

Ahem, second of all... I know that feeling all too well. It can be directed at so many things which makes it rather tricky. I had wondered why you had asked bout people we knew that were into RPing and now it makes sense. The real issue here is what kind of creation are we talking about, because there are all sorts of things that it can mean. For example when I made my trip to see my friend in North Cal I found myself in a similar state. I spent quite a few nights figuring out what exactly the mood was toward and realized that I had wanted to meet someone new and create a new relationship. I have yet to really accomplish that and it's been grating on my psyche for awhile, but all the same it different then creating a new world. It is obvious to me that you are not seeking to create a fantasy but rather something new. If you did want that you'd already feel accomplished considering what you have put into our RP not to mention Firefoxborn and Egregore. This brings me to my point and that is to ask you the important question. My friend, what it is that you wish to create?
Date:October 12th, 2010 04:22 pm (UTC)
Something that may help, as a medium:

Date:October 12th, 2010 04:30 pm (UTC)
Error: Correct address is http://www.minecraft.net/.

I apologize in advance for lost time and distraction.
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Date:October 12th, 2010 05:47 pm (UTC)
Awwwwwww, no, man. Minecraft is like the TVTropes of computer games. You click once and you get sucked in for days.
Date:October 13th, 2010 04:23 am (UTC)
True, hence my advance apology.

However, if you stick to the creative mode and DON'T log in, you can't save- meaning you can put stuff together and congeal ideas in said mode without the urge to build and build on it like some of the stuff on there.

Though I WAS hesitant in making the offer; I was worried you would get sucked in. Talk about artist's block.
[User Picture]
Date:October 15th, 2010 04:40 am (UTC)
That is an interesting feeling to cope with. I hope that the fey mood turned out well.
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