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"Odysseus!: The Musical," or what Kady and I talk about late at night - Baxil [bakh-HEEL'], n. My Sites [Tomorrowlands] [The TTU Wiki] [Photos]
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February 10th, 2005
05:54 am
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"Odysseus!: The Musical," or what Kady and I talk about late at night
Tell me, o muse, of the time kadyg and I were lying there, snuggling and bantering about her sheepskin rug ...

We came to the conclusion that she needed more of them. Or, Kady suggested, perhaps a herd of sheep. Spurred by a passing moment of classical homage, I added, "And a cyclops."

"And a dog named Dave," she countered, which sent us both into fits of giggles.

"He'd have to have only one eye."

"Dave the cyclops dog."

"I don't remember the cyclops dog in the Odyssey. Maybe I need to go back to the Lattimore translation?"

The discussion somehow tangented into having missed making pancakes for Shrove Tuesday, which led to talk of making a Jerry Liberation Day holiday as an excuse to cook pancakes, but that's neither here nor there.

"We should do that," I said some short time later, then clarified -- since my brain was stuck on an idea about four tangents back -- "rewrite the Odyssey, I mean. Put a dog named Dave in it. Go back to the ancient Greek, translate it ourselves. It's in the public domain."

"We need to make it a musical," Kady suggested.

I was silent for a moment.

"What rhymes with 'Peloponnesian'?" I asked.

And that, dear reader, broke my brain. We climbed into bed with me making up snippets of "Odysseus!: The Musical" show tunes off of the top of my head. I continued to do so until I was *ahem* properly distracted, and even now I can't get some of the rhymes out of my head without writing them down.

So!

Odysseus!: The Musical

Act I, Scene I

SPOTLIGHT comes up on dark stage, illuminating THE POET HOMER for his introductory solo.

HOMER: You can go talk to the Cretans
If you want some good light readin'
Or go take a walk to Sparta
If you want some nice wars started
Athens has its mathematicians,
Thebes has all those patricians,
But those young upstarts can't capture our hearts
Like the tale I now will start preachin'!

SECOND SPOTLIGHT illuminates ODYSSEUS, who poses heroically.

HOMER: Odysseus hails from Ithaca
Which is kind of a tongue-twithica
So let's just call him ...

STAGE LIGHTS come on, revealing a BIG BOAT with the word "ARGOS" fancily written on the prow, scratched out hastily, and the words "ITHACAN NAVY" scrawled underneath. The boat is full of ODYSSEUS' CREW.

OARSMEN: Peloponnesian!

FULL BAND strikes up into opening song.

OARSMEN: He sails the seven seas, an'
He's our favorite Peloponnesian!
For he's known throughout the region
As a wily Peloponnesian!
Even in abysses Stee-gee-an
They sing of our Peloponnesian!
Yes, he's known throughout the region
As a wily Peloponnesian!

HOMER: (spoken) A wily fellow? You don't say!

OARSMAN 1: (spoken) Sure as nighttime follows day!

OARSMAN 2: (spoken) He'll get us killed without delay

OARSMEN: But we still love him anyway!

HOMER: (spoken) So just how wily is he?

OARSMEN: (spoken in a ragged chorus) Boss! Tell him about the cyclops!

ODYSSEUS: (spoken) Oh, alright ...

LIGHTS DIM for ODYSSEUS' solo.

ODYSSEUS: We'd all sailed straight off the map
When Polyphemus set his trap
We all went to the big guy's home
Then found his door was solid stone
So we were stuck in his deep, dark cave
With a cyclops and a dog named Dave
And we were all afraid we would get eaten ...

OARSMEN: Which doesn't really rhyme with Peloponnesian!

ODYSSEUS: But I made myself a cunning plan
With a bad pun on the name "no man"
So I offered the monster some free gin --

MUSIC swells to a crescendo, OARSMEN jump out of boat and pose in a chorus line.

OARSMEN: That's our wily Peloponnesian!

ODYSSEUS bows, MUSIC stops.

HOMER: (spoken) On second thought, let's just call him Greek.

Current Mood: creativeWheeee!
Current Music: Vagrant Story OST, "Staff Roll"
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(24 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments
 
[User Picture]
From:summer_jackel
Date:February 10th, 2005 03:46 pm (UTC)
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!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ROTFL!

Oh gracious. I do like the way you think.
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From:ounceofreason
Date:February 10th, 2005 04:46 pm (UTC)
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Y'know... that's pretty damn decent right there.
From:the_ogre
Date:February 10th, 2005 05:03 pm (UTC)

You *had* to share, didn't you?

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I don't think I'll ever get over the trauma.
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From:baxil
Date:February 10th, 2005 10:50 pm (UTC)

Re: You *had* to share, didn't you?

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You're welcome! :)
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From:necama
Date:February 10th, 2005 05:53 pm (UTC)
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This is perhaps the most hideous thing I have read in weeks. Excuse me, I need to go rinse off my brain now.
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From:kadyg
Date:February 10th, 2005 06:01 pm (UTC)
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Hey! I thought my Rabbit Hole Day post was the most hideous thing you'd read in weeks? At any rate - I had a hand in both of them. So, go me for breaking Rob's imagination.

*hee hee*
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From:baxil
Date:February 10th, 2005 10:49 pm (UTC)
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psst, necama is brian.
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From:kadyg
Date:February 10th, 2005 11:19 pm (UTC)
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Well, yeah. Maybe I was trying to break both their brains and now you've runined it.
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From:anthro_wolf
Date:February 10th, 2005 06:46 pm (UTC)
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*LOL!* Simply a masterpiece xD
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From:frameacloud
Date:February 10th, 2005 07:11 pm (UTC)
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I love you.
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From:paka
Date:February 10th, 2005 07:44 pm (UTC)
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Are you ready? I can't heeeeeeeear you....

Who dwells in an akropole under the sea?
Great Poseidon!
Makes bullocks and horses and salt springs does he!
Great Poseidon!
Help me tell, oh my muse, of the Achaeans' wish
Then flop on the trireme and flop like a fish!
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From:kadyg
Date:February 10th, 2005 07:52 pm (UTC)
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Excellent! Now we have a big dance number for the end of the first act.
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From:baxil
Date:February 11th, 2005 03:52 am (UTC)
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I think you just broke pop culture.
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From:kigeni
Date:February 10th, 2005 08:08 pm (UTC)
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"That's our wily Peloponnesian!"
I love it ^^
~Kigs
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From:arethinn
Date:February 10th, 2005 08:44 pm (UTC)
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OMG, this is the greatest thing evar.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:February 10th, 2005 09:04 pm (UTC)

Bravo

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<before the last note is sung, the audience, as one, rise to their feet and applaude loudly. Cheers of "Encore, Encore" and "More" are heard, yelled from many places in the audience. rr
From:noitaroproc
Date:February 10th, 2005 09:56 pm (UTC)
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More like ROCK OPERA!

Woo!
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From:elynne
Date:February 11th, 2005 01:48 am (UTC)
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*can't... stop... laughing...*
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From:azurelunatic
Date:February 11th, 2005 02:10 am (UTC)
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...so where's the rest?
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From:baxil
Date:February 12th, 2005 02:13 pm (UTC)
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Alas, lost with the sacking of the Library at Alexandria.

Wait, did I just say "Alas"? If the librarians had just done the smart thing and handed it over to the firestarters, they probably could have saved the rest of the place.
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From:inanna
Date:February 11th, 2005 03:51 am (UTC)
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OMG! This is wonderful!!! i added you to my friends list just in case you should happen to write more. :) Thanks for making my evening.
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From:roaminrob
Date:February 11th, 2005 06:43 am (UTC)
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Well, now I'm all inspired, too ...

...I'm inspired to write a quick hack of Zork which takes place in your brain. The grue will represent your obviously disturbed imagination, which can only exist in the deepest, darkest parts of your brain.

It would be a lot easier for me tease you for writing this, if I could stop laughing.
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From:baxil
Date:February 11th, 2005 06:46 am (UTC)
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If you can dig up the source code to Being Andrew Plotkin, you can probably just change some of the names and recompile. ;)
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From:katster
Date:February 11th, 2005 04:21 pm (UTC)
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bwahahahahahahahaahahahahaha.

I'm surprised tropism or zibblsnrt hasn't spread this around the folks who are into creative renderings of Ancient Greek over in our little corner of the internet. Then again, maybe they have. I've been rather busy. :)

-kat
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